I’ve learned more in this past year, grown more, appreciated more and loved more than I ever thought possible. I know it’s cliche to say, but one door closed and another opened for me. I realized I was not closed off to new people, new relationships, new experiences or love. I’m ok. I’m capable. This is huge.
I’m compiling a list of successes from this past year in my head and it’s a thrilling exercise. In a short time period I have experienced so much, and I didn’t think any of it was possible when this year started. I didn’t think, back then, that I could get this far away from him. And now I have and it’s blissful. Time does heal. And so does writing, and thinking, and analyzing, and being truthful.
Memories, feelings and nostalgia are all ok if you, like me, allow them in your life and know they’re not your whole life.
What if you should decide/that you don’t want me there by your side?
That you don’t want me there in your life? Coldplay, What if
I’ve written so little here this summer. As I read over earlier posts, hear song selections, and look at re-posts I’m reminded how damaged I felt for a long time. Do I feel that damaged now? No, not so much. At least not all the time. It’s not overwhelming anymore. I think coming to the end of a relationship, in its very barest bones, is a huge life change. It changes you and brings you through things you never felt or thought before. That all stays with you in some manner.
I’m happier now than I’ve been all year. It’s been a year. That’s strange to think but it’s true. And time brings with it new people, developed relationships, wider perspectives and deeper understanding. I’m still not certain what I’m going to do here with this thing. But it’s been extremely helpful and I’m thankful for that.
Thanks to new followers. I’ve been lax with posting lately. Just living life and deciding on the direction of this thing. Welcome aboard though.
There are so many times now I wish I could just speak to him. I’d ask him how things are going, what’s new, why he has been so unkind. I’d say, Seriously, we were good once weren’t we? What happened? Remember that time we went for a drive down the shore, and we took pictures of each other, and we got ‘road-trip’ food at that little gas station on the way? That was fun! We didn’t run out of things to say to each other. We listened to music and discussed what different songs meant to us. And we found out we had both seen the same band live but hadn’t knew that about each other before. That all meant something. We both experienced it.
Why is it that now I feel like it only happened to me? Like I was the only one in that car? That I was alone eating beef jerky and soda bopping my head to music? Has he forgotten all about this or forgotten all about all the times we had together? It sure feels like he has lately. I’d like to ask him about all of this. But I know he wouldn’t be receptive. He wouldn’t care to talk or catch up or reminisce. Not now, at least, and who knows about forever.